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[nemi-chan.livejournal.com]

Title: Uchibi Sasuke
Rating: T
Pairing: Sasuke/Sakura, Naruto/Hinata, Sasuke/lots of Narukos/Sakura/Hinata if he has his way XD
Genre: Crack, Humor, Injunction of critical thinking
Warning: Mentions of child abuse. Some people are homosexual or bi. Most are straight. Long Author Notes. Crossovery goodness. Spoilers for semi recent manga chapters. AU
Summery: Sasuke did not know about the plan, why would any other child know? Why would any child younger than Sasuke be worthy of testing himself? Itachi kills the clan, saddling Sasuke with every child in the clan younger than him, all seventeen of them ranging from six months to six years. Sasuke would have gone mad, except for Uzumaki Naruto.

Part the First
Part the Second
Omake Theater
Part the Third

The missing Scene



A/N:

Teeny Omake: What if Uchibi Sasuke had the canon Tsukiyomi?

“Ni-san!” As the child Danzo had tried to steal for ROOT in the confusion ran to hide behind Sasuke, they boy’s eyes narrowed.

The darkness around his eyes and the bloodshot veins that ran through them were just from sleep deprivation, he knew, but as that death glare met his eyes Sasuke looked truly demonic.

“Tsukiyomi.”

Suddenly they were in a nightmare realm. “I was thinking of cutting your balls off for seventy-two hours, you damn pervert, but now I’ve had a better idea.” That grin had two many teeth. “I’m going to put these earplugs in so I don’t hear your screams and can catch up on my sleep, and you? Are going to spend the next seventy-two hours [i]watching Barney[/i].” “Nooooooo!”


Remember how the fic mentioned that in this AU Sakura was the one going to take after Orochimaru? Well.... Yeah.


Eight Sword School of Child rearing = Kenpachi School of Child Rearing

–

After that, the Hokage knew he had to get Naruto out of town until it blew over. The Hyuuga weren’t going to off Sasuke, not when he was their ticket to finally putting the Uchiha clan in their place as a branch house, but sending a message by killing his liegeman was practically traditional, and since Naruto was the Kyuubi brat as well?

Despite the danger that someone might recognize Naruto as his father’s son, despite the risk of an international diplomatic incident instead of just an inter-clan one, he had to risk sending Naruto outside of Konoha.

Wave should be safe. No one cared about Wave. They didn’t have a village or even an army.

Since Naruto kept saying how he wanted to test his Awesome Kage Army against a real one, better be on the safe side…

-

Neji hated the main house, how the elders considered his father less than his uncle solely because of an accident of birth. Why, he’d even heard them say that if those Stone nin had tried to kidnap a Hyuuga instead of an Uchiha, and his uncle had killed them instead of the Uchiha clan head, (who had gotten out of being executed for it on account of being too young to be held responsible, ) then they would have sent his father in his uncle’s place.

Yes, he hated the main house. His uncle was cruel and Hanabi was a brat. However, he couldn’t bring himself to hate Hinata, not really. She was more a victim of his uncle and the elders than he was, and now she was responsible for the best day ever.

Well, no, Hinata was too nice to do something like this, even to her father, but he still knew who he had to thank for this: those awful, wonderful little hellions. And his future cousin-in-law, Uzumaki Naruto.

The elders might think that one day they’d be able to put the seal on the Uchibis as vengeance for this, but Neji knew better. The one thing that was keeping the elders from blowing up at the disgrace was making it even harder for Neji to keep the grin off his face as Gai tried to convince them to leave the compound the way it was. It was so much more youthful this way!

-

“Do you know how far away Wave is?”

“Look at a map, Naruto.”

“It’s…”

“It’s more than an hour away from Ichiraku’s, that’s what it is! Have they even heard of ramen there?!” Naruto fell to his knees, imploring the heavens and inwardly praying that-

“Just go buy some and have your kage bunshin carry it, you idiot!” Sasuke’s eyes were wide with panic. Tomorrow morning? They were going to be alone for weeks and he only had until tomorrow morning to prepare?! “Alert Hinata! Check on the emergency rations and buy fresh vegetables! Forge notes in my handwriting excusing them from school until I return! Make sure Danzo hasn’t replaced my will with one granting him custody again! Tell Shigure to veto everything, and if he can’t, filibuster!”

Shigure wasn’t the next-oldest Uchiha, but he was Sasuke’s substitute during council meetings when necessary because he was the best at bullshit.

Oh crap, the distraction hadn’t worked. “Why don’t we bring them with us?” Please please please…

“Outside Konoha territory? You know how many kidnapping attempts there have been in the last year! Oh, that’s right, put them in the number three chains,” every ninja clan had torture cellars, “so they won’t be able to escape until we’re six hours out of town. Arm all the lethal booby traps on the perimeter, even the ones they don’t know about! Especially those!”

“Breathe, you paranoid bastard!” Naruto considered trying to shake him to snap him out of it, but he liked his windpipe the way it was.

“I don’t have time to bre-“ Sasuke keeled over.

Everyone stared. Generally when people keeled over around Naruto there were nosebleeds involved, but no. Sasuke’s eyes were open, unfocused and horrified.

Dammit. “Everybody back up slowly.” Naruto tugged Sakura away, then hurriedly started shaping seals. “Code F!”

“What’s going on?”

“When Itachi killed the adults, he used this weird genjutsu to…”

Sasuke’s eyes snapped open and focused, still wild, on the dark-haired adult in the room. “I’ll fucking kill you, you…” One of the Ramen Knights body-slammed Iruka out of the line of fire (luckily Iruka had the sense to keep moving when it was popped by a kunai) while a squad of Orange Bombshells tackled Sasuke to the ground. The words were replaced by incoherent snarls of rage.

Naruto hurriedly replenished them as they were destroyed by kunai, shoes with their concealed poison needles extended, knees, elbows, and teeth. Luckily the whirlwind of death was too out of it to do even a basic replacement jutsu. “Show Sasuke him killing everyone in the clan over and over, including the kids and…”

Naruto had to dodge as one of the Orange Bombshells was hurled at where he was standing, “When he gets worried he has these flashbacks and…”

He summoned more Ramen Knights to drag everyone else out of the room, “What’s really dangerous is afterwards, since then he really…”

Suddenly the screams were replaced by sobs.

“Tries to kill me.”

“Mom…” Narutos patted Sasuke on the head, desperately looking for an escape route as he clung tight to one of them, burying his head between her breasts.

“Or, you know, hit me repeatedly in the head until I can convince him I don’t remember a thing that happened, really.” Suddenly all the Narutos looked at Sakura and grinned slowly.

She didn’t notice. “Poor Sasuke, how horrible.” Outer Sakura wanted to hold him and try to comfort him.

‘That’s right, come to Mama,’ Inner Sakura grinned wickedly.

Suddenly, all the kage bunshin vanished and Naruto pushed her forward into Sasuke. “You’re a real girl, you do it. See you in Wave!”

Outside, Tazuna went in search of more booze. He was so, so screwed.

-

In the end, Naruto escaped without brain damage. When Sasuke snapped out of it enough to realize who was snuggling him and what had caused the flashbacks, he realized that Naruto, in an effort to preserve his alleged brain cells (and to protect the Uchibis, too), would take care of all the exhausting, stressful, flashback-inducing set-up work since Sasuke was incapacitated.

Leaving Sasuke free to be fed fresh-baked cookies by Sakura’s mother, since after Sakura had gotten over the awe-inspiring feeling of being needed by Uchiha Sasuke himself (and yielded to Inner Sakura’s demands for a high-five), she’d realized she should probably go for more experienced backup.

Around eight, while a couple dozen were being boxed up for him to take back to the darling children, Hinata arrived (Neji, being one to pay his debts, was covering for her absence), to aid in fussing over Sasuke and report that everything was indeed being taken care of. “Kaito-kun said that Naruto could borrow his father’s hang-glider so Naruto could send clones back faster.” Naruto was trying to find a way to put more chakra into his clones, but if he’d left some here they wouldn’t have lasted the entire trip to Wave and back. But if one of them flew here and then back on the hang-glider carrying a bag full of others henged into kunai or something, that might work.

“At the beginning I could barely even leave the house without something happening. Kaito, Tohru and Shigure are about to graduate, but… I can’t learn just by sparring. I can’t be a ninja if I never leave Konoha.” Naruto might think that the human body could take more abuse than a normal person like Sasuke actually could, but he wouldn’t risk actually killing his friend. And Sasuke might have reworked the clan’s defenses, but it had been Itachi’s home ground once too. Not to mention that he did [i]not[/i] want the fight to take place there. No, ideally he’d stop Itachi before he reached Konoha. So he had to learn to fight in different terrain.

“But you worry. One day you can’t leave them alone for five seconds without them nearly committing suicide by table and the next they want to go fight bandits,” Sakura’s mother commiserated.

“Mom!”

“All babies are like that,” Sasuke told her. “They want to find out how stuff works and they don’t know what will kill them yet. The sooner you let them figure it out the better.”

Telling a little kid ‘don’t fucking touch my kunai!’ while trying not to tear your hair out in frustration didn’t work. They weren’t going to trust a crazy person and it didn’t explain why they weren’t supposed to. ‘This is sharp, see? They’re designed to poke other people’s eyes out with. So if you poke your eye out, don’t come crying to me because I’ll just laugh.’ And letting them touch it so they could see that yes, he was right, did. That was one of the basic precepts of the Eight Sword Scool of Child Rearing.

Of course, in a ninja family, the proper response to, “What did I tell you about running with kunai?” was, “I need to hold it correctly or else I won’t be able to stab with a decent amount of force without breaking stride.”

Sasuke’s approach to them not cleaning their rooms had been, “Don’t blame me if you step on a kunai or can’t find your shoes.” Then, when Shigure had said he couldn’t find his shoes, Sasuke’s response had been, “I told you so. If you’re late and get detention it’s your own fault for not doing what I told you.”

On the other hand, when Sakura and her mother had that battle Sakura’s mother had always given in and cleaned it herself before it got to that point. So Sakura had never actually encountered consequences to not cleaning her room (besides extra chores, which was a consequence of not obeying her mom), and so didn’t believe there were any. It undermined respect and credibility.

Sasuke might not have been the Uchibis’ real father, but they’d learned that when he said jump they’d damn well better ask how high on the way up, especially in the early days when he was sleep-deprived, already having to fight the urge to kill people, and likely to throw some shiruken at their feet if they didn’t move fast enough.

“Sakura ran me ragged, I can’t imagine having to deal with seventeen of them at your age,” Sakura’s mother said admiringly. “How do you do it?”

The women of Konoha already would have admired Sasuke for bearing up so well after such a terrible tragedy. It spoke of inner strength. But that was nothing next to the mad ninja skills dealing with so many kids demonstrated.

Hinata leaned forward hopefully, Sakura eagerly, preparing to take mental notes.

Inwardly, Hinata sighed happily. Naruto’s children, darling little prankster angels. She’d hug them and squeeze them and never be cruel to them the way people were to Naruto or her father was to her. Oh, she hoped some of them inherited Naruto’s beautiful blue eyes. She’d have to have a lot to make sure one did, and so that they would have siblings to play with the way she still wasn’t able to really play with Hanabi.

Seventeen? Well, if Sasuke could do it, surely she and Naruto could? Naruto had been Sasuke’s friend longer and surely knew a lot of his tricks by now.

Sakura’s pink hair was definitely a mutation. There were some bloodlines marked by unique or rare hair colors, but nothing of this shade. Sakura had gone looking, hoping there was something that would make her stand out from the crowd of Sasuke’s admirers or help her get stronger.

Being civilians, Sakura’s family couldn’t trace their family tree back very far, so when she was younger she’d imagined that one day she might discover she had some long-lost bloodline.

But no. She had nothing going for her except a good memory.

Sakura didn’t really consider herself all that smart. The thing about smart people was that the smarter they were, the more they were aware of how little they actually knew. They didn’t act arrogant because they thought they were smarter than other people, they acted arrogant because if they were stupid then someone who couldn’t do fractions had to be really stupid. (And the people were arogant about being smart were obviously idiots--it pissed everyone off.)

So the more she trained to be worthy of the head of the Uchiha clan, the more aware she became of how worthless she was compared to him, and even Naruto with his amazing regeneration and chakra capacity. And stealth capabilities. And leadership skills (well, when it came to children). And ability to draw. And ability to be much hotter than her. And…

Inner Sakura growled at how even her own mother was hanging on Sasuke’s every, “Hn.” (He didn’t do well when on the spot surrounded by fangirls, retreating into monosyllables and scanning the room for exits.) Not to mention the far-more-attractive-than-her Hinata. What if Hinata wised up one day and realized that Sasuke was an even better catch than Naruto? She was the one who was supposed to be his girlfriend, after all.

Her mother wouldn’t be present on the trip to Wave. The perfect time to experiment with Breast Enlargement no Jutsu.

Her children weren’t going to have nothing going for them. Her children were going to have a family style, and a bloodline, and…

…And why couldn’t she have a bloodline? There were hints in some of the books that it was possible. Transplants were a common means of theft, so why not even more of the cells instead of individual organs? She wasn’t going to go digging up Sasuke’s relatives, but there were plenty of enemy ninja out there, and who cared about them?

Inner Sakura smiled like a shark.

-

“Have the catapults been loaded with exploding tags?”

“Yup!”

“Have the ANBU been alerted that the kill-on-sight perimeter has temporarily been enlarged by fifteen meters?”

No response. Well, they were ANBU, they’d figure it out. “Alright, time to run some drills!” First, the Hyuuga attack scenario.

Naruto watched as the henged bunshin were detected and everyone got to their positions and used their jutsu. His jutsu. “Aww, I’m so proud of them.”

Naruto had grown up without a family until the Uchiha had taken him in, but at times like these he wondered if he really was related to them. He didn’t look like an Uchiha, but maybe they shared some distant ancestor or something? There had to be some reason they shared the same style, the same really kinda evil sense of humor, desire to fuck with people’s heads, and understanding of the power of big boobs. “People blame me on the Kyuubi…” he thought before dismissing the idea.

Inside the seal, the Nine-Tails sneezed, which felt weird though a huge snout, and transformed. She tugged at the chains on ‘her’ arms. No, there wasn’t enough slack to dig a handkerchief out from between her breasts. Maybe she shouldn’t have had them be quite so large… Nah.

These were the breasts that had challenged (distracted) the gods.