Fluffy Drabble

[scottishfae.livejournal.com]

Xposted at a lot of places.

I'm usually a person who it is impossible to write something that is less than at least 10 pages.  However, for a recent contest in a MSN Group that I'm a member of  I had to write a 500 word yaoi piece of my favorite yaoi pairing.

Seeing that 500 words isn't enough for a good smut story, it eventually ended up being this fluffy piece of crap.  I hate fluff personally and I want to puke just thinking I wrote this.  But I like my writing style all the same.

So read and tell me what you think.

Title:  Untitiled

Author: fae (scottishfae)

Pairing: SasuNaru

Rating: G (oh help me someone I wrote something that was rated G...now that's a first)

No spoilers, No warnings.  I don't own anythying.

 

The humid, hot weather of a Fire Country summer had quietly ascended
upon the unsuspecting Hidden Leaf overnight.  The heavy air that now
settled over Konoha brought misery to everyone who had the misfortune
to wander outside.

Unfortunately for Team 7, fate had not spared them from having a whole
string of missions to accomplish before the day's end.  The three
young members worked diligently trying to get the work done as fast as
they could.  Their sensei oversaw the work from the shade of tree
while his nose was buried in his beloved orange book.

As the hours passed, the sweat began to drip down the teenager's
bodies, soaking their clothes with darkened stains.  As the day began
to bleed into night, Kakashi dismissed the tired Sakura who was
suffering from dehydration.

However, the two rivals continued to pick the weeds in the garden of
one of the elderly Konoha residents.  This was their last mission of
the day and both boys were still going full steam trying to beat the
other out.

Unlike their female teammate, Sasuke and Naruto had the option to
discard clothing as the day went on.  The fair skinned Uchiha was pink
from the sun's heavy gaze, while Naruto's skin was bronze and
glistening.

Since the two boys had shed their upper clothing, both had been
sneaking peaks at well-muscled bodies.  The Copy-Nin would often
wonder whether their speed finishing missions was really in
competition or just so they could spend some time by themselves
afterwards.  It was probably more a mixture of both elements.

Now that all the tasks were almost complete, the Uchiha heir was
slowing down to blatantly watch the blond bend over in his weed
pulling.  Kakashi's one visible eye curved in an arc, indicating his
amusement in his pupil's ogling.

Sensing the eyes on him, Naruto turned to glare at the other boy.  He
only smirked in response.  The blond's fists clenched and he turned to
confront Sasuke.

Before either one could start a fight that could possibly ruin the
garden, and therefore null and void their mission (and the money it
provided), Kakashi stepped in.  "That's good boys, job well done.
I'll submit the reports now.  You can have the day off tomorrow," he
said giving the boys both an all-knowing stare.

The rivals nodded and watched as their sensei formed hand seals and
left with a pop.  Sasuke looked up at the tree line where the sun's
light was just barely reaching over.  Naruto had walked up to stand by
his side.

"Let's go home," The Uchiha said, turning and holding out his hand to
the blond.

Naruto smiled and took the pale hand being offered to him.  Both hands
were rough, blistered, and sweaty from working all day but as their
fingers intertwined it just didn't matter.  All that mattered was that
their hands fit together, as they did, and that as they walked towards
the Uchiha residence, neither of them would be alone.

 

*~*~*~

I know, I know.  Fluffy horridness.  You can shoot me now.

Bye guys, leave comments if you want.

 

~fae

Comments

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

Yeah, fluffy. :P

Concrit time: Peeks, not peaks. One's a glance, one's associated with mountaintops. Ascended is to rise, descended is to fall - I think you were looking for the latter. Teenagers', plural possessive, versus how you have teenager's (singular possessive). Sakura's supposed to be the reasonable one of the group, as well, so her not making a point of getting any water/dehydrating would be OOC and a blatant plot device to toss her out of the picture in order to facilitate boylove.

Oh, yeah - time to be pimptastic, too: naruto_betas

[scottishfae.livejournal.com]

I'll be the first to admit my grammar sucks. As a child I never understood it and it just never sank in. So, yes I know that will always be a problem within my fics. I also know that b.c its a particular problem of mine I should probably focus more on those things while writing, but in truth, I like to lean more towards the arts side of writing and try to write things that flow and paint pictures...which is why many times sentence structures have no meaning in my works.

I know Sakura is the reasonable one, however, at the same time she's competitive and one who strongly wants to be able to keep up with the boys (as we've seen in an abundance w. these last filler episodes), so it wouldn't be unheard of for her to forgo things dealing with her own health to try and keep up with the staggering pace the boys have set. Plus, and I speak from plenty of experience on this one, it doesn't take long to become dehydrated if its hot enough and w. the sun fully ablaze overhead.

With this said, I will be the first one to admit that Sakura's depature was just a way to get her out of the scene. I could have approached it in other ways since, being the reasonable one, she also knows when to call it quits. Maybe when I rewrite this piece (since ppl have been complaining about the suddenness of the ending), I'll have her leave under some premise like that.

I have to remind you that this fic was a *yaoi* challenge that was only supposed to be 300 words (the person hosting allowed me to go over some), and so I really had to cram a whole lot of stuff into as few amount of words as possible. I know the ending may make no sense with the set up and it seems rushed, but w. the 2 hours I had to write this (at about 2-ish am), it accomplished what it was supposed to.

Thanks for commenting.

~fae

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

Much fuss went on already about how the filler episode nuked Sakura's characterization, so that's really not something to cite. Keeping up with the boys isn't as much of a goad for her as being capable.

Actually, when in doubt, just have her out sick that day. That saves you any problems with characterization, having to explain why Kakashi would care less that she's pushing herself past her limits when he doesn't really pay attention when the boys do as much, why she'd try to leave a mission before it was completed, so on and so forth - and cuts some words out while you're at it! :)

And yeah, that big yaoi SasuNaru tag at the top of the entry tipped me off a little as to what your pairing was.

[scottishfae.livejournal.com]

in the chuunin exams, if you'll remember, there is a whole big deal about Sakura feeling the need to be just as good as the boys. hence why she cut her hair (remember the "always looking at their backs" stuff?), so by saying she wants to be competitive and keep up with the other members of her team, wouldn't be unusual and ooc at all.

i can actually continue on arguing the mindsets of all the guys. this was a drabble piece, not meant to be much else, and i think you're reading this like an english major would a real story/novel (am an english major myself). not everything has to be in depth and deep.

~fae

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

From here we get into chuunin exam characterization versus later-on characterization. If it's supposedly all the same, then for all intents and purposes post-time-jump Gaara should just be keeping an eye on Sand while powering himself up enough that he can squish them all at once later. Yes, Sakura does have the line about how she intends to have the boys looking at her back (right before she gets pwned). Arguably, by the time Sasuke bolts she's more realized that she's nowhere near capable and needs a lot of work before she could even hope to be effective. Competition to the point of self-destruction in something as simple as pulling weeds, though? That's more a Naruto thing to do. :-\

Eh. Screw it. I'm more curious about this: You consider this to be a 'fake story' as opposed to a real one?

[scottishfae.livejournal.com]

I don't consider this one a real story b.c its short and i just don't feel that it's a real story. It lacks a plot and it lacks something that I feel all my stories must have, even though I don't really know how to describe that thing.

I figured you would feel the same way considering your obvious hatred towards it.

~fae

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

If I hated it, I would have told you so. This is what I said: that it's short, it's fluff, and here's some input - which you requested. At no time did I say 'omfg u r teh suxx0r' or anything else not intended to be helpful.

And you tell me I'm reading too much into the work... Jeesh.

Seriously, though, if you're unsatisfied with it (since you say it's lacking something major), why make such a fuss over it not getting rave reviews?

[scottishfae.livejournal.com]

oh, no on another site i had a couple of people just be brutal about their comments. though this little drabble is just a stupid piece, all my work has something in it that reflect something of myself, so usually when ppl start ripping my stuff apart its more like they are ripping me apart...

...and I tend to take that personally.

Once I get this friday over with I'm going to hopefully do a quick rewrite and expand on this drabble piece some more so that those few that were really rude will shut up.

~fae

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

Some people just aren't good when it comes to giving concrit. Sadly, you're not always going to get happy reviews or kind concrit - and with what you've said your chosen major is, you'll really need to learn how to not take things personally. Yeah, get mad at bad reviewers for their presentation, call them dumb if they deserve it (ie, the person obviously has't read the story/chapter), but try to make sure that you're not blowing things out of proportion, accusing someone of something they didn't say... and whatever you do, avoid pulling an Anne Rice (http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/515245.html).

[scottishfae.livejournal.com]

i understand things shouldn't be taken seriously, but at the same time, its hard not to sometimes.

i'm almost through w. my english degree and will probably continue on to get my masters in english as well. maybe it's b.c i haven't gotten a lot of "concrit" in my classes, but it always hurts when someone feels like tearing apart something i've written.

and i wasn't trying to be rude and accuse you of anything. i just honestly believed that you hadn't liked my work. i apologize for offending you.

~fae

[randomsome1.livejournal.com]

Yeah, undergrads tend to be... Kind to their classmates. From what I understand (because I haven't gotten there yet), graduate classes are full of people that think they're the be-all-end-all of literary critiquing, and thus act uppity accordingly.

Eventually, of course, you realize that your least expensive and most practical bet is to just practice lots and to find people that seem reasonable... then harass the hell out of them for pointers/directionals. It's strange to say it, but my writing and critiquing abilities have improved ridiculously through fandom. I don't feel like dealing with a literary snob that insists my story's lightbulb wasn't symbolic enough and that my story sucks because it can be classified as genre fiction... But I do understand that you can learn something from everyone and that I might be able to pick up a pointer or two from them.

Ok, I'm starting preach now, I might be done for the night. O.o *hides*

:)