chuunin_archive | The Crack Duo's back, jack!

Work between myself and

macey_muse, in a round-robin style.
Crossover with Harry Potter.

title: Lady Gaunt
summary: Complete crack. Expect much OOCness and smut. Orochimaru goes to find her son (yes, he's had a sex change!)
rating: NC-17
authors:

csc_lupisstone and

macey_muse
characters: Orochimaru, Sasuke, Voldemort, Snape, The Giant Squid, Manda, Harry, Hermione, Ron and other people.
pairings: Implied Ron/Hermione, Dumbledore/Snape/Voldemort and explicit Orochimaru/Sasuke/Squid.
warnings: tentacles, sex, anal, threesomes, Orochimaru with breasts, death, crack...
Comments of all kinds are loved.

After half a century of searching, Orochimaru was finally reunited with the child she’d left behind. It had been a difficult decision, but she hadn’t been ready to raise a son, especially not one whose father had never used chakra a day in his life. Leaving the brat at the orphanage had been the best thing for everyone, really.

After all, with the kind of life she lead, the kid would probably have turned into a psychopath and attempted to kill all the non-shinobi for kicks.

However she had imagined her final reunion, this had never entered into her mind. Standing in the middle of a battle-field, avoiding projectile rays of light effortlessly, she gathered breath and hollered, “Tom!”

Apart from a nearby redhead pausing to blink (and getting herself exploded for her troubles) this produced no results of interest.

Muttering darkly, she formed a swift voice-enhancement jutsu. “TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE, GET YOUR SNAKEY ARSE DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW, OR THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!”

Voldemort flinched at the screech and quickly put up a Shield Charm, deflecting Potter’s Expelliarmus. He looked across the battlefield to see a dark-haired woman standing there with her hands on her hips and the entire field, including the Weasley mother, standing back in fear of the anger radiating off her. “Mother?” He squeaked.

“Damn straight it’s your mother! How DARE you do this! And you’ve messed up your face; you used to be so pretty!”

“Uh...mother, I’m kind of in the middle of something right now...” He stuttered.

Sasuke stood next to Orochimaru as she made her son quake in fear. Unlike the rest of the field, he wasn’t scared, but instead just miffed that he wasn’t told about this. The snake-sannin and he had a relationship!

“Do you think I -care- what you’re doing?” Brandishing a kunai, she strode purposefully towards him. He edged back. “I wish Kabuto were here – he’d have you right as rain in an instant! But no, that idiot –had- to go and underestimate those fuzzy Rainbow missing-nins… And stand still when I’m talking to you, young man!”

Noticing Voldemort’s inattention, a bushy-haired girl took the opportunity to fling a curse towards her arch-enemy. Orochimaru blocked it nonchalantly with her kunai, then tossed the dagger through the girl’s throat without turning around. She made a satisfactory bubbling sound as she died.

Drawing a second kunai, Orochimaru traced it thoughtfully along her jaw line as she circled her quaking son, muttering softly. By straining his ears, Voldemort caught snatches of ‘Tsunade’ ‘surgery’ and ‘can’t be -that- difficult’.

“But mum, I like my face thi -”

“No.”

“But it makes me look sini -”

“Shush. Just hold still, honey, and Mother will make it -all- better…” Orochimaru advanced, her grin growing steadily more bloodthirsty as she got closer to her now trembling progeny. Placing the tip of her knife at the edge of his neck, she pressed firmly and began to carve.

Unfortunately, a red-head – another one? – in the peanut gallery chose that moment to attempt to launch himself bodily at her. He failed only because of the badly-dressed brunet who had a firm hold on both his arms.

“You monster! You killed my fiancé!” the taller one bellowed.

“Bit slow on the uptake, aren’t you?” Orochimaru dismissed him, turning back around only to find that her kunai, in her distraction, had severed her only son’s jugular. Quickly pulling back her arm, she tried to shake off the blood gurgling from Voldemort’s throat. “Oh bother” she remarked, kicking the corpse off her feet. The viewing public stood in shock and Orochimaru grinned as the two teenage boys from before ran towards her, the brunet brandishing a dull spork.

“THAT WAS MY JOB! HOW COULD YOU – YOU...YOU GIT!” Orochimaru blinked at the pathetic insult and pulled out her summoning scroll, effortlessly summoning Manda.

“What am I doing here, Orochimaru?” The large snake hissed, glaring at the sannin.

“I found you food.” She replied smoothly, pointing at the crowd, and particularly the now frozen boys.

“Now this I can handle!” The spork-brandishing teen stated confidently, whipping out a hat and placing it on his head, only to be knocked unconscious by the materialisation of a large jewelled sword. The redhead next to him sweat-dropped in embarrassment. Manda looked at his summoner as if to say ‘Couldn’t you have found me a more intelligent meal?’ before diving down to gorge himself on the unconscious boy. The redhead stumbled backwards as the purple snake methodically reared up and bit at him, enjoying the chase. The gangly youth turned and ran as fast as he could, parting the dense crowd, which stepped back even further as the snake chased after him.

A slight disturbance in the crowd went unnoticed until a harsh voice cut through the nervous babble. “That’s it! I’ve had it up to here with you, Orochimaru-sama” Sasuke spat, sharingan-red eyes whirling as he forced his way out of the crush. “I abandoned my village for you, surrendered my principles, followed your every demand. I kept my skin milky pale just for you, and do you -know- how hard that is when you train every day? And now, I find you’ve been lying to me all this time – you had a child with another man, and didn’t think to tell me! On top of all this, you’re IGNORING ME?!” With a furious noise, he slapped Orochimaru across the face, who merely blinked, stunned.

Apart from Sasuke’s panting and the sniffles of a few overly-affected Death Eaters, the circle of drama was perfectly silent. Until one man, clapping slowly, interrupted it.

“I’d give that an 8 on delivery, but the content was obviously unoriginal, so I’m afraid I can’t give you more than a 5 overall.”

Sasuke spun violently to face the sardonic drawl. “Who the hell are you?!”

“Severus Snape,” he stated, stepping forwards whilst peeling off his mask and hood, “I’d say I was delighted to make your acquaintance, but I prefer to save my lies for situations in which they will be properly appreciated.”

“What makes you think you have the right to say such things to me?” Sasuke hissed, eyeing the man up and down spitefully.

Snape raised an eyebrow. “Well, let’s see: abandon my home and principles? Check. Performed every service my masters ever demanded of me? Check. Lost both my masters to death – I think that tops a bit of imaginary infidelity 50 years ago, don’t you? Been ignored? I’m not some pathetically needy child, to whine when my parents don’t shower me with gifts and sweets every minute. My skin is paler than yours, my hair both longer and straighter, and I have never heard such a wretched attempt at a hiss in all my years as the head of the House of Snakes. In short, you are a cheap, pale imitation of me, and if you want to do your precious Orochimaru-sama the blindest bit of good you’d be best advised to throw yourself in the lake and drown.”

Sobbing, Sasuke covered his streaming eyes with one arm and used the other to escape from the crowd, running towards the distant glint of water. Glaring viciously at the smug Slytherin, Orochimaru hastened to follow, unable to bear the thought of losing both Kabuto and Sasuke.

She watched in horror as the ex-leaf nin jumped into the lake, hiccoughing through his tears. The sannin was just about to dive in to save the young piece of ass when a giant squid emerged from the water, cradling the still-crying emo boy like a child. The squid propelled itself away from the pale-skinned woman, caressing the teen gently. After a second’s disbelief, Orochimaru furiously pursued them both. The squid stopped suddenly, its demeanour altering, and Orochimaru found herself being whisked up into a flurry of tentacles. The flexible appendages slithered up her legs and plunged underneath her clothing. Her eyes widened as the tentacles pierced her, finding their marks, and she moaned throatily as she watched other tentacles rub Sasuke, sliding inside the now enthusiastic boy’s pants. Orochimaru recognised that fire in the boy’s eye, those groans escaping his lips.

The squid slipped another tentacle around the woman’s waist, letting it find its way up and between her bound breasts, ripping the fabric off. The snake sannin let out a loud cry as the tentacles teased her. Her arousal just increased as the now naked youth was moved to her and impaled her from behind, sending her climax sky high as the tangle of tentacles and their bodies dived underwater to wash off the sticky residue and sweat.

Sasuke came back up, panting. He hadn’t been this exhilarated since the night before Kabuto’s death. He’d forgotten how good it felt to be penetrated, and the naturally lubed and flexible tentacles made it better than he’d ever experienced. Orochimaru’s agile fingers were now tangled in his long hair and her other hand was clasped around his waist, caressing the pale skin. His hand slid against Orochimaru’s wet thigh and upwards, remembering how his mentor enjoyed being touched after climax. The squid had disappeared underneath the water and left the exhausted two alone. Neither of them noticed slipping gently under the swells as they dozed…

***

The squid woke up in its bed of water-weed, refreshed as always after a good night of sex and hoping it could find the two humans again for another round. It swam through the lake, parting the crowd of grindylows and mermaids gathered around a site. Looking down, the squid saw two familiar pale figures, both blue-tinged and motionless on the lake floor. It grumbled to itself at the sight and swam away, vowing next time to find sea creatures.