Hot off the press- fanfiction
Jun. 24th, 2008 11:49 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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chuunin_archivegenre: Crack/Humour/Parody
rating: K plus
warnings: there may be spontaneous combustion from too much laughter
summary: You have been invited to the Academy Reunion of '97! Congratulations on not dying -you are eligible to attend this wondrous occasion!
(posted on ff.net under penname of glamour F A I R Y)
I am on a
Enjoy and please drop a comment ^.~
TO: Team Kakashi
You have been invited to the Academy Reunion for the Class of ’97!
Congratulations on not dying- you are eligible to attend this wondrous occasion!
Attendance is mandatory- Kakashi, Sasuke and Naruto this counts as a C Ranked Mission- with no pay. Deal with it.
Obviously this is a formal affair- so come dressed appropriately. Unfortunately mesh is not allowed.
And finally- you must come with a partner. They must be of the human species, same sex, the opposite of your gender.
When: The 26th of April, The 4th year of our Big Boobed Majestic Godaime.
Where: The Academy of Extraordinaire Ninja. Duh
Time: 6:00 p.m.
Sincerely, I hope you all step in dog crap
Umino Iruka
Sasuke knew that something was wrong when he arrived at the training grounds. His Uchiha Senses were tingling. Or it could be the fact that Kakashi was on time. Wait, screw that. He was early.
“Sasuke-kun! Come over here!” Sakura called out excitedly. Sasuke grunted noncomitantly, but his Uber Uchiha eyes noted that Sakura was holding something in her hand.
Sasuke loped elegantly toward Sakura, hands shoved in his pockets. When he reached her side, he frowned in confusion. Something was missing…”Where’s the dobe?” Kakashi gave him a strangled look and pointed vaguely toward the ground- wait, Kakashi looking constipated, early and NOT reading Icha Icha? Sasuke’s stomach decided that it would perform crazy ninja stunts (or it could’ve been the fact that he had tomato ration bars for breakfast- those things were disgusting!).
Feeling apprehensive, Sasuke gave the ground a long stare…Oh dear. Naruto was sucking his thumb on the ground, twitching spastically at random moments. Sasuke gave a short “Tch” before glancing back at Kakashi. “What the hell’s wrong with him?” Kakashi didn’t answer.
Sasuke felt his stomach perform a jump off a cliff. “Hn.” Sakura, having studied Uchihaese and the dialect Sasukese, jumped in to answer, knowing that Hn, meant ‘Whatever. Sakura, you answer for Kakashi.’
“Ah, Sasuke-kun! Don’t mind them,” Sakura said, her hand waving vaguely at Kakashi. “This is far more important.” Sakura shoved the piece of paper in Sasuke’s face, overpowering him with Essence of Kunoichi. Sasuke twitched- the scent was all over him!- before raising a hand and unsticking the paper from his forehead.
And he read it.
Sasuke’s stomach dive bombed out of the sky and went Kamikaze. Boom.
The ink on the paper started to become blurry and Sasuke felt himself rise in the air. There was a light tinkly sound in the air- elevator music? He wondered dimly- and then he saw this great white light only inches away from his face. Ah, so the end has come at last. I can finally meet my fam-
“You god damned idiot! Get your fucking ass back down on Earth! I am not leaving this Earth like some gay wuss!” Sasuke groaned. His stupid Inner Sasuke was annoying him. Again.
“Look. I can understand it if we got laid and then went to on to this shitty Heaven place. But we didn’t. So get back down there- I had so many things left to do! Change the flowers in my Sakura Shrine, stalk Sakura home, ravish Sakura, have sex with Sakura, check if her breasts were implants or not-“ Sasuke decided to go back to Earth, where his Inner would be locked in a cage and safely out of the way. In no way whatsoever did it have to do with the list: Things Left To Do.
Totally.
Sasuke blinked rapidly as the paper focused into view. “Ne, Sasuke-kun, are you okay? You kind of zoned out for a moment there,” Sakura asked, concern creasing her brow.
Sasuke gave a grunt and said shortly, “I’m fine.” He gave the paper one last cursory glance and gave a pointed glare at Kakashi and Naruto. “Why’re they acting so weird though? It’s just a Reunion. Nothing dangerous.” Kakashi’s single eye widened in fear and he frantically waved his hands. He mouthed, “No! Don’t ask her!’ Unfortunately, Kakashi was wearing a mask and his silent pleas just gave Sasuke the impression he drank expired milk and had to go potty, or he finally went off the edge.
Sakura giggled girlishly and clapped her hands excitedly. “It’s a formal event so I thought we should all go to the mall and shop for some clothes!”
Oh. Suddenly many things became clear to Uchiha Sasuke.
I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed, was one of those revelations.
Naruto was the first one to go down.
They had stepped through the glass doors, Sakura leading the way and Kakashi, Sasuke and Naruto following her like veteran soldiers. As soon as they entered, all heads swiveled toward the group, eyeing the three men like they were a piece of meat. Very tasty meat.
For a moment, everybody just stood there, the saleswomen sizing them up, and Sasuke, Naruto and Kakashi were currently dazed from the bright lights and heavy perfume.
They had entered through the cosmetics section.
They came in waves. The first wave of saleswomen had dived at Naruto, squealing about his bright hair, yummy blue eyes and golden skin. The dazed boy stood there until the last second, his eyes still swirling- and then it was too late.
After conjuring a camera from thin air, one of them started snapping pictures, the flashes of light disorienting the vic- ninja. Another saleswoman started combing his hair and spraying cologne like there was no tomorrow. Yet another saleswoman started stripping him in front of the entire store, tied him up with the necklaces that swung loosely from her neck and lugged him off.
A whole crowd of those things followed her.
Sasuke gulped. (Unnoticeably. He had a reputation to uphold after all) He sidled along the floor stealthily, making sure no one noticed that he moved. He crept up to Kakashi and whispered, “On the count of three, you are going to teleport the both of us out of this place.” Kakashi muttered back through clenched teeth, “And your teammate?”
“This is a matter of life and death!”
“And you’re leaving you’re teammate to suffer?”
“He has Kyuubi. He’ll be fine.” Hopefully.
“Sasuke-kun, Kakashi-sensei…I hope you’re not planning to teleport out…right?”
Sasuke and Kakashi froze in fear.
“I thought so. Now come along, we have so much to shop for and so little time. And the saleswomen are so nice- they volunteered to help me shop for you guys!” Sakura chirped.
Kakashi swooned and Sasuke felt the feeling of Doom wash over him.
“I am not wearing a shirt that has a fucking unicorn on it,” Sasuke stated flatly, his eyes threatening to bleed into red. Sakura gave him a look that said, ‘What the hell?’
“Sasuke-kun. The other shirt, not that one.” Oh. Sasuke’s eyes widened as he stared at the black shirt that had a large white unicorn embossed on it, and was sprinkled generously with sparkles and then the frilly white shirt that was right next to it.
“I’m still not wearing that.” If Sasuke had lasers coming out of his eyes, he would’ve burned both shirts up into flames. “But Sasuke-kun,” Sakura wheedled. “It looks so manly on you.”
Sasuke froze. Manly…Hm…His Uchiha Sized Ego was getting stoked…
Nah.
“No,” Sasuke said curtly before stomping his way out of the store. Sakura sighed in resignation and then kicked a curled up Kakashi on the floor. “Let’s go,” she informed him. “Sasuke-kun’s having a hissy fit about his clothes and we need to calm him down.” There was no answer. Sakura sighed and then walked out of the store, calling over her shoulder, “I’ll get you later, okay? Don’t go anywhere? Who knows what Sasuke-kun might’ve done so far…” With the last sentence muttered, Sakura flickered out of the store.
As soon as she was gone, Kakashi carefully stood up, an evil glint in his eye. “Fu fu fu…My skill and experience has saved me yet again…” As Kakashi was quietly giggling toward himself, he failed to notice the looming shadow right behind him…
Marii Sue-chan felt her Bishie Senses tingle and she sped at top speed toward the unsuspecting vic-ninja.
He never knew what hit him.
Sasuke brooded in the shadows, radiating a dark aura that clearly said, ‘I will maim you if come near me’ A few brave females ventured near him, but his patented Uchiha Death Glare usually fried them before they did fangirly stuff to him.
He fingered the handle of his kunai and quickly tried to locate any possible exits- any way to get out of this Hell.
And then the floor started vibrating, Sasuke tensed in apprehension, and gripped the handle of his kunai tightly.
BAM!
And entire section of the wall Sasuke was leaning on blew off, showering him with bits of plaster and paint. The dust settled on him, making him look like he aged about thirty years or so. Sasuke twitched and smoothly brushed the plaster (and other bits) out of his hair.
“SHARIN-ACHOO!”
Oh yeah. Real smooth. Apparently, Sasuke-kun is allergic to dust.
And then out of the hole in the wall, came a heroic (clichéd) figure, standing on a surfboard (A henged kage bunshin).
“Naruto?” Sasuke sputtered out, feeling (and looking) for the first time in his life, very dowdy.
And he had good reason to. You see, that heroic (clichéd) figure, which apparently was Naruto, by the way Sasuke sputtered his name out like some dowdy fellow, was, in layman’s terms: HAWT.
His sun kissed blond hair had that carefree, tousled look that appeared only on commercials and extremely famous people. In other words, it was (almost) impossible to recreate. His laughing blue eyes were filled with laughter and gleamed like (extremely valuable) sapphires. His tanned skin had a golden glow to it, making him look like a sun god. He had a full mouth always ready to laugh (and kiss, cough) and his wonderfully fit ninja-y body was shown off by a leather jacket and (tight!) jeans.
Naruto narrowed his eyes when Sasuke sputtered his name while looking and feeling very dowdy. “Huh? Sasuke? Man, you look old.”
Sasuke ignored the last comment. “How’d you escape?”
Naruto coked his head inquisitively. “Escape? From what?”
Sasuke sighed and then grunted. Naruto will always be Naruto. “From those things, I mean, saleswomen.”
“Oh…” Comprehension dawned on Naruto’s face. “Nah, I didn’t escape from them. It was pretty cool actually. After I first woke up, they had me on this cool altar or something and kept chanting my name. They were all, ‘Naruto-sama! Naruto-sama!’ and gave me free ramen and stuff. After that, they must’ve slipped something in the ramen because bam!, I got knocked out and then when I woke up again, they changed my clothes and stuff to what I’m wearing right now. They left me alone in this room after that. It was freaky, ‘cause the walls had pictures of me since I was fifteen- weird, isn’t it Sasuke-teme? They even had my second favorite pair of boxers- I was wondering where they went. Anyway, after that I left through the door and decided to make a heroically clichéd entrance. Cool, huh?”
Sasuke fainted after ‘Naruto-sama, Naruto-sama’ He couldn’t take it anymore- his weird-o-meter had blown itself up.
TO: Team Kakashi
Fortunately Unfortunately the Academy Reunion of Class ’97 has been postponed indefinitely.
The day before the despised much hoped for celebration, the money that was to fund the occasion was instead redirected to K Mall for the repair of damages, as well as treating fifteen females who are currently recovering from first and second degree burns.
Thanks to No thanks to a certain team, it is unlikely that we will hold the Reunion. At all.
It would be most appreciated if one would keep a lookout for the missing Jounin, Hatake Kakashi. He was last spotted at K Mall, in the store, ‘Frilly, Fancy, Faggoty Festive”
Note(s): (Fwahaha!! I have run out of ink to make strikethroughs! Ph33r me!)
-Naruto, Sasuke and Kakashi (whenever he gets back) are prohibited from accepting missions above C Rank.
-Uzumaki Naruto is asked to please terminate his cult (and keep his sexy new look)
-Uchiha Sasuke is now to be referred to as ‘Dowdy-kun’ or ‘The Sneezing Ninja’
-Haruno Sakura is asked to please donate money to the Academy so Umino Iruka can buy ink to make strike throughs and not potentially humiliate the Ninja Community.
Sincerely,
Umino Iruka and the Big Boobed Majestic Godaime.
Thank you.
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Date: 2008-06-25 04:44 am (UTC)That. Was. Absolutely. Crackishly. Brilliant.
My favorite parts have to be the letters from Iruka & the Naruto-cult explanation. XDD
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Date: 2008-06-25 02:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-25 05:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-25 02:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-25 08:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-25 06:07 pm (UTC)Good job - keep it up.
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Date: 2008-06-25 08:59 pm (UTC)Boxers going on auction! Any bids?
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Date: 2008-06-27 07:49 pm (UTC)ROFL XD!!!!
btw, It felt like Sasuke here was bisexual... wahahaha!!!!